(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
You Might Also Like
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.