(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
This is the best one I’ve seen
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.