*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.