*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.