*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I have so many questions.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..