Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”