ready to be harvested
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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
me in a relationship:
