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Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.