Real 😅
You Might Also Like
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
and now we wait
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no