Real 😅
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.