Real 😅
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist