Real 😅
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Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough