Real 😅
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me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I am all good here, 😂😉
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.