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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Another day, another…goddammit
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?