Real bees work best
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Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there鈥檚 a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
kidnapper: if u don鈥檛 eat this salad we鈥檒l kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
don鈥檛 bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My sister鈥檚 birthday cake 馃ぃ
Sorry not sorry.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
馃帀馃コ
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.