Real bees work best
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I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”