[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.