Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then