Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

calling in to work dehydrated

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room