Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Please do it!
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.