Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Social distancing in Australia:
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.