Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

when u come home smelling like another dog

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.