Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…