Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?