Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird