Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.