Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad