Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.