Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Said the murderer.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?