Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Always this one for me forever
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.