Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
i was baptized in a car wash
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?