Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
