Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

A wise man once said nothing.

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”