Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel