Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers