Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
yes… yes…
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
HELP 😭
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.