Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd