real men don’t like being called daddy, they like being called big cheese
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Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Just grow your own
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Interior design 👌
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Damn he played himself
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”