real men don’t like being called daddy, they like being called big cheese
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People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.