“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.