“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
new shirt idea
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
getting corrected
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)