“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Autocarrot sucks!
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.