Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

hardest line in real life

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.