Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.