Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.