Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her