Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

To see more unmatched reporting, visit

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*