Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Always the camel, never the toe.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.