Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Saw your ex at the shops

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!