Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.