Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
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Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My teenage children choosing violence
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Jogging
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
me when the borders lift
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2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
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*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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