Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know