Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.