Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

I can’t be the only one 😂

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?