Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I don’t believe him.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
This is sending me to another galaxy
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*