Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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Rooting for the overdog
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Twitter fine art
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral