Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

From Facebook just now…

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

is this how new cars are made??

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.