Real 😅
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Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Milk Cube
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.