@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
