realest tweet ever.
You Might Also Like
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Every
Single
Year
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?