realest tweet ever.
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.