realest tweet ever.
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My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person