realest tweet ever.
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.