realest tweet ever.
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?