Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
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waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!