Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
You Might Also Like
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift