Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
You Might Also Like
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.