Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
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Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once