reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply