reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
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I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”