Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

❄️

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Finally, a door that understands me

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*